Jokes Pt.2

OK, I found some more!!

The Language Barrier
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.

“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.” – A sign in a Swiss hotel.

“Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.” – A sign in a laundry in Rome.

“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.” – A sign in a hotel in Athens.

“Please waste.” – Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.

“Specialist in women and other diseases.” – A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.

“Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.” – A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.

“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.” – A sign in a Japanese hotel.

“Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done.” – A sign in a Spanish hotel.

“Please to bathe inside the tub.” – A sign in a Japanese hotel room.

“Members and non-members only.” – A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.

[This has got to be one of the dumbest pieces of shit around.]

Not Me …
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor´s office.
“We have come for an examination,” said the young girl.
“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.”
“No, not me,” said the girl. “it´s my old aunt here.”
“Very well,”said the doctor. “Madam, stick out your tongue.”

I wonder…
– When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
– Aren’t the ’good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
– Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
– Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there … I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?
– If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
– If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
– If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, “I wish you would not grant me this wish” what would you do?
– How come popcorn isn’t a vegetable?
– Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
– If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?

Funny Ads
The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.
– “Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.”
– “Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog.” 
– “Snow blower for sale…only used on snowy days.”
– “Georgia peaches, California grown – 89 cents lb.”
– “Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 – $9 per hour.”
– “Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.”
– “Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.”
– “Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required.”
– “Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.”
– “We’ll move you worldwide throughout the country.”
– “Tattoos done while you wait.”
– “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
– “Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
– “Illiterate? Write today for free help.”

Where and how did Yodeling begin?!?
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night!

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father,
– “Who is that man going into the barn?”

– “That fellow traveling through,” said the farmer. “needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter said,
– “Perhaps he is hungry.” So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
barn – and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.
– “How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she
cried. “We made such passionate love last night!”

– “What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him,
– “I’m going to get you! You had sex withmy daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out…..

“LAIDTHEOLDLADYTOOO”

How to Impress…
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked … with beer.

Blonde Secretary’s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Flight announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…..it was the asphalt!”

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

Zebra-spots?
“A zebra does not change its spots.”

Cinderella
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
A: She ran away from the ball.

At the pearly Gates
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can’t let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either.”

Reagan, Nixon og Clinton on Titanic
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc.

Reagan shouts: “Women and children first.”
Nixon goes: “Fuck the women.”
Clinton replies: “Do you think we have time?”

Lazy Woman
Q: What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A: Lazy.

“Silent” Emissions
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

“Doctor,” she said, “I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh … silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”

“Well,” said the doctor raising his voice a little, “I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test.”

Heart Attacks
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

*edit*

Actual School Excuse Notes?
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

– My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

– Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

– Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

– Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

– Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]

– Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

– Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

– I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

– Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

– Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

– My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

– Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

– Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

– Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

– Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Fishink
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”

He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?”

“No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the rink manager.”

Investigating a terrible accident
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, “What were the people doing on the bus?”

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”.

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh??!” The chief continues, “Okay, were they doing anything else?”

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?”

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

The whole world could be happy
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: “Why don’t I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.”

Hillary: “Well, why don’t you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.”

Al: “Why don’t you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.”

Tipper: “Why don’t we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.”

Valentine
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would
get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says

“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

“Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away.”

~ by sugarice22 on November 26, 2007.