Jokes…

I have this page on iGoogle. And it’s full of jokes. Imma Cut&Paste a few good ones here..

Take Off My Clothes
 My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

Don’t Leave Em Hanging
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

Stoopid Baby Names
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, “Mummy, why is my name Petal?” The mother replied, “Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.”

The next baby walked up and asked, “Mummy why is my name Rose?” she replied,

“Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.”

The last baby walked up to her and said, “BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY.”

The mother replied, “Please be quiet, Refrigerator.”

Unfaithful Wives
 Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

I’d Rather Have A Puppy [this one’s kinda sick..]
 A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?”

The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”

The father replies, “Making a baby.”

The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I’d rather have a puppy.”

Good questions
– When you see the weather report and it says “partly cloudy” and then the next day it says “partly sunny”; what�s the difference?
– Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
– Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
– Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
– Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
– If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
– Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
– Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

Fax Questions and Answers Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax strangers every day.Q. My parents said that they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think one should be before they fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure. Q. If I fax something, will I go blind? A. Certainly not, a s far as we can see. Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal? A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their need to fax becomes too great. Q. Should I always use a cover when faxing? A. Unless you’re really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax. Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and fax prematurely? A. Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won’t mind if you try again! Q. I have a personal, and a business, fax. Can transmissions be mixed up? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover sheet with each and every one, you won’t transmit anything that you are not supposed to.

Doctor Quotes
– Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
– On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely
– The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
– The patient refused an autopsy
– Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
– Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
– Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
– She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
– She is numb from her toes down
– Patient was alert and unresponsive
– She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
– I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
– The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead
– Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
– Skin: Somewhat pale but present
– By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better

Ugly Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

House Fire…
A blonde´s house is on fire so she runs outside to use a payphone to call for help. She gets the 911 operator, and gets transferred to the firehouse.

“Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire you have to help me!”

The Fireman replies, “Yes, yes Miss, how do I get to your house?”

The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, “Umm, it´s the house that´s on fire.”

Realizing he is now talking to a blonde, the fireman comes back with “No Miss, how would you like me to get to your house?”

To which the blonde replies, “Duh, big red truck.”

Ridiculous US-Laws
Arkansas:
1. A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.

California:
1. In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.

2. It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Florida:
1. Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday’s will be jailed.

Georgia:
1. In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

Indiana:
1. Monkey’s are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.

Illinois:
1. In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.

2. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is “American.”

3. In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet HeyWoodey.

Massachusetts:
1. It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.

2. North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying “space guns.”

3. In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Minnesota:
1. It is illegal to tease skunks.

2. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.

Michigan:
1. A State law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.

2. Under State law, dentists are officially classified as “mechanics.”

Nebraska:
1. If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.

New York:
1. On Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.

2. In NYC, “it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand.”

North Carolina:
1. It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.

Oklahoma:
1. People who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

Ohio:
1. In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

2. In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man’s picture.

3. In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.

Oregon:
1. The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.

Pennsylvania:
1. “Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.”

Tennessee:
1. It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

2. In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

3. In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; “a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists.”

Texas:
1. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Utah:
1. A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in his presence.

Virginia:
1. In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.

Vermont:
1. It is illegal to deny the existence of God.

2. It is illegal to whistle underwater.

3. Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

State Capitals
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she’d hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all of the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
– “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals!”

One of the guys said,
– “I don’t believe you.”

She said,
– “It’s true. Just test me!”

– “Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?” he ssked.

– “A,” she answered, smugly.

Long Words
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it, I can never remember that word.”

No Luck … A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.” As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you swallow?” “No!” she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked. “Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I swallow! I screw!” she screamed in panic. “Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don’t know the words.

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they’d break.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

Sleeping Pills
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

~ by sugarice22 on November 25, 2007.